Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
