I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
