shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
