Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
