dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
