I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
