One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
