I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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