I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
