bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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