The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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