I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
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