like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
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