I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
