I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
