she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
