Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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