you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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