I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
