I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
