we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
