weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
