My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
