why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
