Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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