Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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