Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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