I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
