i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
