I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
