Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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