So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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