I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
