He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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