Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
