I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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