To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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