I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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