I got chris browned last night
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
