FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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