Have you finally orgasmed yet?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
