just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
