Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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