Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
