So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
