Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
