My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
