Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
