1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
