fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
