i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
