i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
this just has baby written all over it
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Randomize
