we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
